Help!!!
I am going to attempt to get some feedback from others in "the life" here about things that are going on in my life.
I had never heard of D/s until a little over 3 years ago.
I worked in a store, and every morning one of our regular customers would come in, and he made me weak in the knees with just a look, like he knew something about me that even I didn't know. We got to talking about the internet one morning, and I asked him what his yahoo nick was... when I got home, I looked up his profile... and learned, for the first time, the term D/s. I had to look it up online, I had no clue what it was... and what I found amazed me... that there were others like me, who felt a need to be submissive, I had always thought I was just "strange". I discussed this with the man, and we set up a date to meet... April 10, 2001. It was exactly 4:10 pm when I made it to the meeting spot, and I got in with him, and thus began the most amazing journey of my life.
I have had to fight that "methodist upbringing" that puts nothing but guilt into my head for just about everything I ever do. But there are things that I just can't fight. The need for Hawk, I can not fight.
He and I have had an on-again off-again relationship since that first meeting. He was involved with another that took way too much of his life... she was a trouble junkie, and a druggie, and he was bound and determined to "make a silk purse out of a sows ear" to use his words. He would call me every few months, we would get together for a week, or two, or a month, and he would stop calling, stop answering calls...
Now she is gone, and we have been back for a month or so... I really thought this was it, but shouldn't a Dom want control over his sub? I go days without any input from him... no messages, no online chatting, no phone calls... and he has only been here to my house twice, I always go to his place, about 45 miles away, but never without an invitation because I never know when he is there...even when we are together, he talks about "training" but there has been none... in three years, no sex, no games, no play, no nothing... all he ever wants is me to give him oral sex...
He gives me no rules, no things to work on, no nothing... he has no clue what I do with my days and weeks when he gets busy and doesn't contact me...
this is my only experience with the D/s life... is this normal??? This is not what I want it to be... I find it hard to trust people, and get to know new people, and looking for another Dom just seems to me to be too daunting of a task... but I have been "ruined" for a vanilla relationship now... it would never satisfy me...I know what things can be...
My writing seems to be a bit rambling today.. I am sorry for that, but I am so frustrated... I can't even get ahold of him to let him know that!!
I had never heard of D/s until a little over 3 years ago.
I worked in a store, and every morning one of our regular customers would come in, and he made me weak in the knees with just a look, like he knew something about me that even I didn't know. We got to talking about the internet one morning, and I asked him what his yahoo nick was... when I got home, I looked up his profile... and learned, for the first time, the term D/s. I had to look it up online, I had no clue what it was... and what I found amazed me... that there were others like me, who felt a need to be submissive, I had always thought I was just "strange". I discussed this with the man, and we set up a date to meet... April 10, 2001. It was exactly 4:10 pm when I made it to the meeting spot, and I got in with him, and thus began the most amazing journey of my life.
I have had to fight that "methodist upbringing" that puts nothing but guilt into my head for just about everything I ever do. But there are things that I just can't fight. The need for Hawk, I can not fight.
He and I have had an on-again off-again relationship since that first meeting. He was involved with another that took way too much of his life... she was a trouble junkie, and a druggie, and he was bound and determined to "make a silk purse out of a sows ear" to use his words. He would call me every few months, we would get together for a week, or two, or a month, and he would stop calling, stop answering calls...
Now she is gone, and we have been back for a month or so... I really thought this was it, but shouldn't a Dom want control over his sub? I go days without any input from him... no messages, no online chatting, no phone calls... and he has only been here to my house twice, I always go to his place, about 45 miles away, but never without an invitation because I never know when he is there...even when we are together, he talks about "training" but there has been none... in three years, no sex, no games, no play, no nothing... all he ever wants is me to give him oral sex...
He gives me no rules, no things to work on, no nothing... he has no clue what I do with my days and weeks when he gets busy and doesn't contact me...
this is my only experience with the D/s life... is this normal??? This is not what I want it to be... I find it hard to trust people, and get to know new people, and looking for another Dom just seems to me to be too daunting of a task... but I have been "ruined" for a vanilla relationship now... it would never satisfy me...I know what things can be...
My writing seems to be a bit rambling today.. I am sorry for that, but I am so frustrated... I can't even get ahold of him to let him know that!!
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